I quit this blog (and kind of forgot about Cheese) a while ago. Nothing has really changed, other than I was stupid enough to look at his twitter feed. As I read, I came to a stunning revelation: John Cheese is still terrible.
I also learned:
(1) The only books Cheese has read in the last 10 years were those written by David Wong. This guy writes for a living, and (proudly!) doesn’t read. No wonder everything he writes is so shitty.
(2) One of his followers mentioned having mentioned he or she was dwelling on past mistakes. Cheeses response: “Repeat after me: ‘I am a badass. My life gets better right now. Not out of luck, but because I am making it that way. Now.’” It’s like he’s a retarded Vince Lombardi, only Cheese has never accomplished anything outside of not being a drunk.
(3) Cheese does not know how car insurance works (he thought it would pay for maintenance, and deemed the company shitty when they wouldn’t), He is almost 40 and a self-appointed life guru.
(4) He constantly tweets at corporate (McDonalds, etc) twitter accounts things like “Go fuck your mother”. And I’m not exaggerating his lack of subtlety, nor the fact that he does it ALL THE TIME. It is painfully unfunny.
(5) No fucking joke, he put a bunch of “quotes” pulled from his twitter feed into a PDF and sold it for 99 cents. That may be the douchiest thing in recorded history. “Here’s this shit that I didn’t even think about and is available for free that I put into a file. $1 please.” Basically Cheese begging for a handout. Again. Also, he considers this a “book deal.” Arguably it involves neither a book, nor a deal.
(6) For some reason likes to say things like: This is a good article. Go read it with your face eyes. Or, I am eating this with my face mouth. Apparently this is great.
(7) He reallylikes wrestling. That alone means that he’s closer in intelligence to one of your higher functioning apes than an actual person. I mean, a bonobo, maybe. Chimp might be stretching it. Have you seen the people that watch wrestling? Fuuuuck.
(8) He quit Tumblr because he saw an ad he didn’t like. Or so that he can quietly let it die before he deletes it, so that he can purge the “A Plea for Help” post from his fabricated personal narrative.
(9) There is so much more, but I need a drink. But remember when some idiots made (internet) death threats to Cheese, and he used this way to ban anyone from Cracked that didn’t ride his nuts? Frankly, I agree that this is way too far. Funny thing, though, I have seen Cheese do the same thing. For example, he wished death on the two guys in the Sonic commercials because he doesn’t like said commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a sniveling piece of human garbage like Cheese; This doesn’t offend me, but the hypocrisy is ridiculous. And yes, Cheese admits that he is a hypocrite because he “trolls celebrities.” What he doesn’t seem to understand is that admitting a fault doesn’t make that fault disappear.
To sum up: John Cheese may have, in scientific terms, completely disappeared up his own ass.