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John Cheese is Still Terrible

I quit this blog (and kind of forgot about Cheese) a while ago. Nothing has really changed, other than I was stupid enough to look at his twitter feed.  As I read, I came to a stunning revelation: John Cheese is still terrible.

I also learned:

(1) The only books Cheese has read in the last 10 years were those written by David Wong.  This guy writes for a living, and (proudly!) doesn’t read. No wonder everything he writes is so shitty.

(2) One of his followers mentioned having mentioned he or she was dwelling on past mistakes. Cheeses response: “Repeat after me: ‘I am a badass. My life gets better right now. Not out of luck, but because I am making it that way. Now.’” It’s like he’s a retarded Vince Lombardi, only Cheese has never accomplished anything outside of not being a drunk.

(3) Cheese does not know how car insurance works (he thought it would pay for maintenance, and deemed the company shitty when they wouldn’t), He is almost 40 and a self-appointed life guru.

(4) He constantly tweets at corporate (McDonalds, etc) twitter accounts things like “Go fuck your mother”. And I’m not exaggerating his lack of subtlety, nor the fact that he does it ALL THE TIME. It is painfully unfunny.

(5) No fucking joke, he put a bunch of “quotes” pulled from his twitter feed into a PDF and sold it for 99 cents. That may be the douchiest thing in recorded history. “Here’s this shit that I didn’t even think about and is available for free that I put into a file. $1 please.” Basically Cheese begging for a handout. Again. Also, he considers this a “book deal.” Arguably it involves neither a book, nor a deal.

(6) For some reason likes to say things like: This is a good article. Go read it with your face eyes. Or, I am eating this with my face mouth. Apparently this is great.

(7) He reallylikes wrestling. That alone means that he’s closer in intelligence to one of your higher functioning apes than an actual person. I mean, a bonobo, maybe. Chimp might be stretching it. Have you seen the people that watch wrestling? Fuuuuck.

(8) He quit Tumblr because he saw an ad he didn’t like. Or so that he can quietly let it die before he deletes it, so that he can purge the “A Plea for Help” post from his fabricated personal narrative.

(9) There is so much more, but I need a drink. But remember when some idiots made (internet) death threats to Cheese, and he used this way to ban anyone from Cracked that didn’t ride his nuts? Frankly, I agree that this is way too far. Funny thing, though, I have seen Cheese do the same thing. For example, he wished death on the two guys in the Sonic commercials because he doesn’t like said commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a sniveling piece of human garbage like Cheese; This doesn’t offend me, but the hypocrisy is ridiculous. And yes, Cheese admits that he is a hypocrite because he “trolls celebrities.” What he doesn’t seem to understand is that admitting a fault doesn’t make that fault disappear.

To sum up: John Cheese may have, in scientific terms, completely disappeared up his own ass.




lampblue123 asked:

Why does cheese think he is the center of the universe?

This is an excellent question. To this point, We’ve tried to keep to things that have supporting evidence (though inferences, of course, have to be made), but I will hazard a guess in this instance.

I suspect that Cheese has, to some extent, been addicted to alcohol and/or other substances. Obviously this is not a difficult supposition because he talks about it constantly. I state it because it seems most (if not all) of his addiction is self-reported and self-cured. The self-reporting is troublesome,and self-curing on it’s face lends doubt to his diagnosis. 

Regardless, I think Cheese has replaced his need for drugs/pills/etc with the satisfaction he gets from constantly telling other people how they should live their lives. That, and the feedback he gets from people telling him what an inspiration he has become. 

I have little doubt that he was a know-it-all prick when he was a drunk deadbeat, but his little sliver of sobriety has given him what he perceives as justification for his own vanity. 

John Cheese was poor (and still is, when it suits his purposes)? By whose standards?

As all regular Cracked readers know, John Cheese’s online persona revolves around having been poor and an alcoholic. Now, he’s a “successful comedian” and an inspiration to all. There’s a lot to unpack here.

Cheese tells us that before he became a Cracked columnist/tech guy, he washed trucks for a living. I don’t doubt that this was a shitty, low-paying job with little or no chance for promotion, especially when you showed up late/hungover/still drunk half the time. However, he was ostensibly paying rent, buying food, playing video games and, according to him, buying $300 worth of booze every month. (No mention of child support in there.) Does this sound like someone who can really claim to have been “poor?” When I think “poor,” I think of someone who’s legitimately being held back by something: generations of vicious racism and the toll it’s taken on their family; someone in an economically depressed area with no jobs except the factory or the local shops, etc. When I see someone who fritters away his paycheck on beer and entertainment, I think “loser” and “deadbeat” rather than “poor.” Sure, there’s overlap, but they’re not really the same. Cheese tells us that he doesn’t expect anyone to feel bad for him because he dug his own hole, but then he writes articles about working a double shift on Christmas so he could keep the heat on (i.e., so he could buy booze).

This is a bit of a digression, but Cheese’s self-reported alcoholism is problematic in and of itself. He quit drinking cold turkey and documented the whole process on YouTube, starting with a rambling video about all the money he could save for rent and such if he quit drinking (again, no mention of his kids in there.) This implicitly encourages others to follow his example, which could have serious health repercussions for a true alcoholic (including death). Again, Cheese never consulted a doctor, so we’ll never know if his self-diagnosis was correct. This is an obvious and important reason for encouraging people to take a closer look at Cheese and people like him. If you’re looking to quit drinking, please look further than a comedy writer. Better yet, don’t ask the comedy writer at all. You shouldn’t really look there for answers concerning childhood trauma or personal finance either. John Cheese will occasionally say something about how only professionals with proven track records should offer opinions (usually when making the case that no one but a professional writer has any right to criticize his articles), but apparently being a Cracked columnist with a couple semesters of community college under your belt qualifies you to dispense advice about everything from life-threatening health issues on down. You could use Cheese’s articles to teach a whole class on misleading, self-serving rhetoric.

Getting back to the whole “poor” thing, let’s talk about Cheese’s wedding. While he was making his last push for donations on Tumblr, he wrote an article about “things that remind you that you’re still poor.” (Wait, I thought he knew all about “having a career” and networking to land great jobs.) Of course, “getting married” was one of them. I got married recently as well. I couldn’t afford a large venue, a caterer, or a professional photographer, either. We went to the courthouse and got married for $60. The jewelry store offered me a line of credit. Next year, we’ll have an actual “wedding party” at her parents’ house with family and close friends. Again, no photographers, no caterers. A good friend recently got married as well, and afterward, she simply had friends meet her at their favorite bar downtown. That was the reception. This makes us perfectly happy, and we are solidly middle-class, privileged Americans just like John Cheese. It would never occur to any of us to call ourselves “poor” because we can’t hire a staff of servants for the day, and we would certainly never think that we ought to be the recipients of a charity drive. John Cheese confirmed with his “plea for help” that he does not have, and probably has never had, any true concept of what it means to be poor. Maybe he should have stuck with college and taken a couple of sociology and history classes.

John Cheese is Obsessed With Giving Advice; Is Wildly Unqualified to Give Advice

Cheese is a near-40 year old once-divorced alcoholic, with a high school education. By his own admission, he drank for some 22 years, and has only been sober for 3. He seems to split his time equally between “doing the internet” and playing video games. Had to beg strangers to pay for his wedding. Yet, for some reason, he believes himself highly qualified to constantly dispense advice. 

A selection of his article titles from Cracked:

  • 4 Easy Solutions to Things We All Complain About
  • 4 Common Pieces of Advice that are Almost Always Wrong
  • The 5 Most Common Errors of First Time Job Applicants
  • 5 Pieces of Advice that Every Adult Wish they Received as a Teenager
  • 5 Simple Things Every Bad Cooks Does Wrong
  • 5 Excuses We Make For Doing Terrible Things
  • 5 Reasons You Should Never Take Advice from Celebrities
  • The 6 Most Quoted Pieces of Advice (That Are Usually Wrong)
  • 5 Dismissive Arguments That You Only Use When You’re Wrong
  • 4 Old Sayings about Family that are (Sometimes) BS
  • 5 Types of People Who Always Give Terrible Advice
  • 5 Ways You Know It’s Time to Get Married
  • 5 Bits of Advice That Don’t Make Sense Until It Is Too Late
  • 5 Questions You Need to Ask (To Avoid Ruining Your Life)

Let’s discuss some of the defenses deployed by Cheese and his best friend David Wong (who happens to be the Senior Editor for Cracked).

1) They’re jealous.

If someone takes offense to Cheese’s aggressively arrogant self-presentation and unfounded snobbery, the most common response seen in the Cracked forums and elsewhere is that the critic must simply be a “troll” who doesn’t like the fact that he or she isn’t getting similar levels of attention. This argument immediately falls apart when you consider that Cracked (which I generally like) writes many articles about celebrities being pretentious or otherwise offensive and silly. Off the top of my head, I remember articles about Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith being pretentious and not receptive to criticism or, perhaps most appropriately, an article about Eminem’s album Recovery and how a rapper who simply stops abusing drugs does not automatically ascend to the rank of a noble redeemer extolling followers to “take my hand” and come along to heal. To Cheese’s credit, he has freely admitted that he is a “giant hypocritical douche” because he loves trolling celebrities on Twitter. He tried to take credit for making Chris Brown “rage quit” Twitter without so much as mentioning the person with whom Chris Brown was actually arguing back and forth when this happened. Are these Cracked authors simply jealous of the celebrities whose fame they dissect so assiduously?

2) They’re all horrible, mentally diseased, degraded examples of humanity.

If someone criticizes Cheese, he lambasts them as “dumb cunts,” “dipshits,” “retards,” and “cocksuckers,” and at least once, “child fuckers” (which he apparently thinks is an appropriate casual insult). He then acts as though he has thoroughly trounced his adversary, warning them not to “match wits with a comedian.” He recently gave this treatment to a 17 year old girl (the aforementioned “dumb cunt”) who said something like “Hey little guy, heard your seventh birthday was coming up. I’ll talk it over with your parents and get you something special.” Wow, unforgivable, right? Look, no one likes to be trolled, but really? A 17 year old? He also posted her message on his blog, including her picture (which he ridiculed) and her username.

Let me say that I do understand that Internet writers with literally millions of readers are bound to encounter some legitimately awful situations. David Wong has detailed incidents in which Gladstone’s kids were threatened, and Cheese apparently received some death threats after a recent article criticizing what he deems stupid jokes. This is absolutely awful and unacceptable. No one should be killed or even have to put up with hollow threats from anonymous cowards, just because he’s a pretentious douche. Nor do I want Cheese to start drinking again, get divorced, or come to financial ruin. That said, I think even Cheese and Wong would have to admit to themselves that these assholes are a tiny minority of his critics, but they try to sweep everyone who says anything negative into the same dustbin. Wong says they’re “messed up” and maybe “got some bad news recently.” You can argue that Internet trolls are immature, but diagnosing them with a mental illness or adopting a siege mentality and acting as though vocal critics are all foot soldiers in the same potentially violent criminal gang is just silly. After all, Cheese trolls people himself.

3) They’re all basement-dwelling losers who obsess over Cheese’s articles, revealing that they actually like him.

"Don’t like it, don’t read it." A familiar refrain. Let’s compare Cheese’s critics with, say, Rush Limbaugh’s. If you don’t like Limbaugh and yet pay passing attention to what he says, do you secretly like him? That’s pretty obviously untrue. We all have people we enjoy criticizing and deflating. Spending some time critiquing what we don’t like is perfectly healthy and good mental exercise. Nothing good will come of reading only news or books with which you always agree. It takes about three minutes to read your average Cracked article, and no, I don’t care that I’ve contributed a page view to something that I didn’t especially care for. Pull that traffic, Cheese! I’ve spent about twenty minutes writing this post. It’s still early in the morning, and now I’ll head out for a nice coffee in the park before reading, writing something else, playing with my pets, then heading downtown to wait for my wife to get off work.

Cheese once said that the negative comments he received were outnumbered “100 to 1, and I’m not even exaggerating.” He’d also said that he had to ban 50 Twitter accounts in one day. Assuming that Twitter was the only venue through which he was receiving criticism (unlikely), he’s claiming to have received, in one day, 5,000 messages telling him to “keep writing!” Okay, Cheese. He will one day have to accept that the disdain that much of his audience feels for him comes from perfectly nice, rational people who simply don’t like being lectured by a barely functional recovering alcoholic who begs for handouts and then goes out of his way to denigrate everyone who doesn’t bow before him and his modest accomplishments.

No one is trying to “put a big, ugly scratch” in what he’s created. The scratch has been there all along, and Cheese is like a used car salesman feigning offense that you would insult his merchandise by pointing it out. 

John Cheese Begs for Money He Doesn’t Need

Start here:  A Plea For Help

It’s a rambling whine-fest, but the short version is, about 4 months before his wedding, Cheese asked his fans to pay for large portions of it. He didn’t have a wedding he could afford (like most people are forced to), nor did he use credit (again, like most people), nor did he even offer to pay his fans back. Just wanted a handout. But surely for just the bare minimum, right?

"But when we finish paying for just the basics, it’s going to be a stripped down, bare bones ceremony that leaves us with so little money, there’s a good chance we’re not going to have anything left over for rings. And even if we somehow miraculously squeak that out, it’s going to wipe us dry, leaving us with a whole new set of problems: mainly rent and bills for the next several months, followed by Christmas — yay"

Keep the above quote in mind as you read on:

Then we’re talking an insane $1500 for catering, and that’s by far the cheapest we’ve found to feed our guests”

Really? No cheaper options than a professional caterer at $1500? He is really roughing it.

If only nonprofessionals could take photos! And I’m sure “splurged” is a typo. Oh, on on October 13th?

"Typing this on my first smartphone. Motherfucking booyah!"

That would be a Samsung Galaxy Ace, at a cost of $200-$300, if one signed a new contract. But hey, we all need a phone, right. Six days later, on October the 19th?

"Got my computer upgraded. Typing this on a brand new Alienware monstrosity. My nerd cock is throbbing right now now."

Cost? At least $1300, and probably more. I guess rent, bills, christmas etc came in a lot cheaper than he had expected. Cheese was married on September the 16th…it really must have wiped him out, to wait an entire month to buy all these luxury items for himself.

Oh, and when cheese was doing his internet panhandling, he did promise something to the people he was mooching off of:

IN RETURN: If we get enough money from this, I will hand my kids a video camera and have them film the behind the scenes stuff, as well as part of the ceremony itself, and I’ll cut together a (hopefully) funny and (possibly) touching video of the actual wedding. Hell, I may do that anyway”

This? Never happened. Nice.

Let’s set aside the following

  1. How this flies in the face of Cheese’s personal mythology of how he is now a fiscally solvent adult.
  2. The fact that this this wedding was in the works for months before Cheese realized he couldn’t fulfill his obligations. An adult faced with this situation would have to either borrow money, or face up to the fact that we can’t always get what we want. Cheese, like a teenager, decided he and his wife “deserved” this lavish party.  Then, in the most puerile form imaginable, he begs for a handout from relative strangers. Yet Cheese has adopted a persona as a “responsible adult”, bestowed with wisdom borne of the rough life he’s lived.
Even without all that, isn’t this just a series of blatant douche moves? 

Mission Statement

Should be self-explanatory, but just in case: this Tumblr will detail the voluminous ways the “comedian” John Cheese is an arrogant douche.

We all realize that arrogant douchiness is hardly unique to Cheese, and typically not worthy of documentation. Cheese, however, has determined that he is:

(1) Some sort of life guru, because he’s managed to stop drinking and not be a deadbeat for 3 years.

(2) An expert on a wide range of topics, despite the fact that he is a nearly 40 year old man with a high school education, and no experience relevant to any topics that aren’t playing video games or addiction. 

(3) The final arbiter of what is and isn’t funny (because he is a cracked columnist!)

He actively promulgates his views to a group of fawning sycophants, and ignores all criticism. As such, we have determined that Cheese’s fictitious personal narrative of the self-made recovering addict, who is now a wise and wildly successful comedian, deserves rebuttal. 

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